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Therefore, it’s impossible for them to validate you.Knowing the other person, genuinely knowing, is the cornerstone of intimacy.Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process.There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect.These are the new things that you will be able to talk about.Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you.Only someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special, and wonderful can offer this level of validation.

If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself.So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Here’s why: The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving.The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.

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